I haven’t been blogging lately and there’s a reason for that. I’m ashamed to admit it, because I’m in my 30’s and I’m a teacher, but right now I hate my life. It consists of 3 components, my life:
- Teaching twice a week in a private High School for girls. I am the only music teacher in HS and I handle 11 classes.
- Teaching at a performance arts school where I give lessons in voice and piano.
- Finishing my degree in my university so I can get my teaching license exams.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said it and left you with the comforting idea that teachers are steady creatures. Isn’t one supposed to be less confused about life the older one gets? That’s what I thought, too, when I was younger. And for a teacher to feel blah-ish about her life, what a disgrace! — right?
When I’m in the classroom, I feel fine. The same goes for when I’m giving my voice and piano students their lessons. I’ve always loved being in school and I don’t mind that I’m almost always the oldest student in my classes now. When I’m in the moment of living my life, I am happy — happy to be where I am.
It’s afterwards that I get this sense of nothingness. Once I sit myself on my sofa and rest my feet from hitting the campus concrete, I resent the thought of having to wake up early the next day to go through the whole routine again. I grit my teeth at all the paperwork I need to submit both as a teacher and as a student. I wish I could just stay where I was and never leave my room. Truth be told, I just want to sit at home with my laptop at the ready and write until my eyelids get heavy. I rediscovered my passion for writing a couple of years ago and, apart from an unhappy period languishing from writer’s block, haven’t stopped writing since.
Confused, are you? So am I. Sometimes I wonder why I received the gift of music. I never asked for it and just noticed how many musical things came easy to me. My gift impressed quite a few teachers. I won a couple of awards and brought home trophies from a few competitions. I got high marks in my music subjects even without trying. Do I love music? I’m not really sure, but I’ll tell you one thing: I rarely listen to it. I used to but have stopped. I only do so when I have to. I don’t know why. I still would have spurts of inspiration and spend quality time with my keyboard from time to time, but given the choice between music and writing, I would choose the latter.
I had a talk with myself some time ago and told myself that there’s no reason for me to feel confused, that I could keep my current life and add writing as one of my many hobbies. that seemed a good enough compromise to smooth my crumpled spirit. The only snag to my proposed paradigm shift is this: writing is my passion, therefore it can’t be a hobby. A hobby is something you like doing and you can give it space and go back to it when you have time. I love writing and resent not having enough time for it. At the same time, I love teaching music but wish for the tedious bits about it to go away so I can have more time to write.
In light of this admission, I have decided to change my weblog title and call it like it is. I am “The Music Teacher” but sometimes, I wish I weren’t. Therefore, from now on I shall be known as “The (Sometimes Reluctant) Music Teacher“. Not very hip or snazzy title but at least it rings true.
What can I say, kids? Despite her age and job title, your teacher is very much human, and is as confused about her life as the rest of the human race.